01/17
My mom barely completed the 4th grade in Vietnam. My mom knows that she’s ignorant due to the lack of education, which is why when I found out that she’ll take the naturalization test, I wondered why in the world would she even bother. It’s not that I didn’t believe in her, I just felt that being granted citizenship wouldn’t benefit her too much so it seemed like the process would be a hassle.
At first when I asked her why does she want to be an American citizen when she should feel content being a permanent alien, she shrugged and said she doesn’t know why. Then she finally took her eyes off the television, turned to me on her bed and said:
It’s pride. When you go to Vietnam, there are two entrances: One is for the Vietnamese people who are returning back home to their country, and the other is for Americans and/or foreign people who are visiting. The entrance for the Americans are beautiful and the entrance for Vietnamese is low-class in comparison. I just want to be an American so I can go visit Vietnam with pride.
My mom and aunt hired a lawyer for around $800 each, foolishly thinking that they’ll pass with his help. The truth is, my mom took the test before and failed. She thought hiring a lawyer on top of studying the 20 common questions would ensure that she’ll pass the test. They both don’t know that a lawyer could only do so much: They are only obligated to file the forms for you and give you study materials so it’s all on your own to study. In other words, lawyers are useless when it comes to this stuff. You should only hire lawyers for serious cases, not for bullshits like this where you’ll just end up throwing money away with no good results. (We’ve had awful experiences with lawyers, so I hate, hate lawyers.)
I went with my mom and aunt to the testing center. It was nerve wrecking for all of us. The shithead (lawyer) said that the beginning is yes and no questions: Any questions starting with “Have you ever…” should be ‘NO’. I repeatedly translated that to both and aunt and mom. I told them that several days ago, thinking that maybe it’s clear at that point.
My poor, sweet mother was sitting on the seat looking as if she’ll have a panic attack. The shithead looked annoyed at us that we appeared to not be studying, but we were all whispering to each other and going through the questions. My aunt went in first. I was hoping she’d pass because that would mean my mom would have a great chance.
She came back 5 minutes later and I noticed that she was teary-eyed when she walked out of the testing room, shaking her head. It turns out she did better than we all expected: She failed by only 1 question.
My mom went in second. I always thought that my mom’s English is better than my aunt’s. I thought she had a high chance, but I was still nervous for her. For the first time in a long time, I actually prayed to god (irrationally looking for hope somewhere).
She came out of the room looking upset, and just like my aunt, she looked like she was about to cry. Her cheeks were rosy and the shithead (lawyer) said: “She answered yes to the ‘Have you ever’ questions. She only got 1 question out of 10 correct.”
The shithead said he was disappointed. He looked legitimately upset with my mom for failing and I hated him for it. I just didn’t want to make a scene in the room.
So now my mom is depressed and humiliated. She was playing with a gum wrapper and was speaking with her head down. Despite all of the shit I’ve talked about her on this blog, people don’t know how much I love her so when I witnessed her reaction, my heart poured down to the ground. I wanted to hug her so badly and protect her.
To kick a person while they’re down, the shithead gave my mom and aunt a fee receipt and we had to pay him THERE in a room full of people who are waiting to take the test. I was so humiliated.
When I told her about the “Have you ever” questions, she looked even more humiliated. Sometimes she looks like a lost puppy and I felt immense pity towards her.
My mom and aunt scrambled to get the money and he stood there waiting to get paid. It was such a sad sight. I told them to stop counting the money and I quickly asked if we could go outside so we could at least have a little dignity. We walked out of that area and went next to the elevator where no one was present to give the bastard $1250 (later in the car when I called to reschedule an appointment, he told me that we owe him an extra $10 because of his mistake… I didn’t tell my mom and aunt that). It was as if we were thanking a rapist after the assault.
As I’m sitting here writing this, I realize that he barely did anything for us. I COULD HAVE FILED THE PAPERS. I COULD HAVE PRINTED OUT THE STUDY MATERIALS. We didn’t need him.
Again, my poor mom was emotional and was angered by her own ignorance. I just want her to be happy and today was the day when she felt the lowest: To be humiliated and to be stripped of the very little money she had. All of that because of pride.
Stephanie
01/11
I hate, hate being the one person my entire family depend on. My social anxiety/anti-social personality disables my ability to interact with others normally so it’s a hard job to have because I must deal with people like lawyers. When I observe some of my peers and see how mature they are when they speak to someone in an authoritative position, I get envious because I have no ability to do that without stuttering and sounding like a fool.
On top of all of that, the language barrier between me and my family makes it that much more difficult. I can speak their language, but I cannot express and/or articulate what I truly mean (I can barely do that in English). My mom, as you’ve read before, tends to jump to conclusion and has a hard time listening. She can make someone red with anger to the point where you want to get physical (not necessarily with her, but just to throw shit around the house). One example would be just two days ago when I had to make a phone call to our local bank and inquire about something. My grandma’s cellphone (which is basically our home phone) has bad reception and the call ended in the middle of the conversation, but I basically got my answer. My mother is convinced that I was just telling her BS since the phone call was cut off, and she condescendingly left the damn room in a huff.
I don’t have to deal with my aunt too much, but she’s also another nuisance. When I do deal with her and she goes on, on what I have to do and what I’m doing wrong AS I’m doing her a goddamn favor, I feel like spitting her in the face (not really, but just about). I have a very ‘formal’ relationship with her, but I remember once just snapping on her because I was upset with the way she was treating me.
Both my immediate and extended family needs ME. I know this sounds awfully self-absorbed, but when I put the pieces in the puzzle, everything became clear. Picture editing, printing, emailing, faxing, phone calls, file taxes, pay bills, writing checks, filling out forms, making appointments, looking for medication, and basically busting my ass and I get nothing in return (except, “Oh, you know you’re the smartest in our family.”) I shiver at the thought of what’s going to be in this family without me because I handle everything.
My older brother and older cousin are two losers who either got left behind twice due to criminal activities or dropped out of high school. They have the rest of the day for themselves, and no one ask them to do shit. Oh, but it’s just JENNY who has a bunde of homework/projects to do and college applications to fill out– LET’S JUST FORCE HER TO DO US A FAVOR WHILE THE REST OF THE NON-BUSY PEEPS GO SCRATCH THEIR BALLS AS THEY STARE AT THE WALL AND SPEND CHRISTMAS MONEY BUYING WEED EVERY NIGHT.
I do too much for this family and not a goddamn thing in return. Even a $12 book I want to buy is a problem, but mama quickly buys herself a new $42 watch. When question why such unfairness, she answers, “The watch is specifically for my vacation in December when I’m out of the country. It’s more important than that book!”
Stephanie
12/11
My mom had a bizarre reaction when I told her I didn’t want my eyebrows waxed this time.
She’s been exhibiting a lot of odd behaviors lately, and this was just a cherry on top of a melting ice cream (huh?). I don’t know whether it’s me who’s growing up or if she’s the one who’s acting more childish.
After a weird argument, she slammed the door on me which was shocking since it has been long since she and I had a huge fight. I opened the door and yelled at her and I slammed the door again.
Hours later, I went downstairs to grab something to eat. I noticed that she avoided contact with me, which made me whisper “bitch” under my breath. When I was in the kitchen, she again approached me about this waxing bullshit. I said, “No, it is not that serious. I just don’t want a wax!” I had a contorted look on my face to show that I was angry and weirded out by her.
A lot of things were exchanged, but the synopsis is that she felt that I’ve changed (she’s been saying that since I was 10 every time we’d argue) and that I told her that I’m honestly really creeped out by her bizarre reaction and basically told her to fuck off (pg version).
“No, I don’t want a wax!” I told her sternly. All of a sudden, with this monotone look of boredom and annoyance, she said, “Why, because you’re gay?”
Now let’s flashback to several months ago on our bed where she jokingly questioned whether I was gay. My mother always told me that I’m much more aggressive than my brother and he should have been the girl and I should have been the guy. She always said that I’m a tomboy.
Just to clarify, I’m not even a butch lesbian. It’s not like I don’t like to dress up or wear makeup. I think wearing makeup is like putting lipstick on a pig- I’m still grotesque to some degree.
I honestly told her that I wasn’t into guys. She freaked out and started questioning me and I immediately realized my admission was a big mistake so I told her that I’m not into girls either so she didn’t have to worry. I was completely flabbergasted by her reaction because she always told me that she’s a strong supporter of the gays because she knows a lot of gay people and she’s sympathetic towards their lives. It just goes to show that it’s easier said than done.
Now right back to the scene where we were fighting about the fucking waxing: I was standing in the kitchen, shocked. I couldn’t believe she had said that. I had to lie and say, “No, I’m not gay, but even if I am, so what?”
I had tears rolling down my chin. I used my hand and pushed her shoulder. I said she was evil and told her to never speak to me again.
On a side issue, one of the things I hate about myself is that I have a tough exterior but I’m really such a mush in reality. I do tend to cry a lot. I like to be one of those people who hasn’t cried in 5 years or so and brag about it. I cry when I’d get into a huge fight with my mom (the only person who has the ability to make me cry thus far) and I cry when something hit the spot like a sappy scene in a movie.
On one hand, I do wonder if I overreacted to what she said. Perhaps she meant to say that I have no good reason to refuse to wax my eyebrows and mocked me if I was gay since I’m refusing a wax. Maybe she didn’t mean it in a malicious way as I presumed.
On the other, I immediately thought she was trying to recall that conversation we had and bring it back to insult me which is why I was upset. For a second, I was speechless but jumped the fence immediately thereafter. I kept asking her, “What do you mean by that, mom?” She wouldn’t answer. She couldn’t, and I resent that.
I resent it because I think I’m correct about the latter: She meant it maliciously.
Honestly, I’m not even that mad right now. I’m surprisingly calm, but I do have this “fuck it” attitude. Where’s some pot when I need some? (Kidding)
By the way, my mother did apologize which she tend to do when she feels like she is in the wrong and I always forgive her right away.
Stephanie Shiri Carrie
← Older posts
